Said your heart was a swarm of bees And they don't and they will never leave

A Moment

sunkenbalcony — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 05:01:19 +0000

Mood through song: Where I Stood; Missy Higgins

The Freshmen; The Verve Pipe ♥

Tonight was the perfect night to stroll Manhattan in a t-shirt, jeans, and curly frazzled hair. If it was Spring the rain would have been more tolerable- but who cares? I don’t!

For the minute that I stopped and inhaled a deep breath, letting the rain feed my skin- I felt a sense of peacefulness. This rain storm would have been an even better occasion had it been shared with a loved one. Boyfriend, or girlfriend. Husband or wife. Fiance.

It was exhilarating none the less, but picture this image. Cuddling in the rain, the gusting winds giving you wings. Strong enough to soar into the arms of your beloved while they take a picture of this moment of ecstasy. After we get home (whether it be your apartment or his) you would both slip out of your soaked clothes and make passionate love. Or cuddle some more. Or watch a movie. The options are endless, but the moment leading up to it was breathtaking. These are the moments where I wish I had an intimate other.

Unfortunately, (not unfortunately) this wasn’t the case for me today. It would have been nice to have shared that moment with somebody else, but if not me- I hope another couple out there got to share a similar experience today. Nature is beautiful..

eventually Ms. Amanda.

Sincerely with love,

Hats Off

sunkenbalcony — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 21:50:38 +0000

It would be bad Juju to say I don’t miss Mr. Brown. Whether or not it’s bad to admit, I choose to admit. No declarations and no sign of weakness. I’m not doing anything with this blog, yet I can look at is as a confessional box one last time.

I’m not sure why I’m even writing this. Or how far I plan on going to have that message heard.

That being said, if there are any girls now interested in Brown my thoughts immediately go to wanting to.. WELL. make them go away. xD Oh how fun it all seems. In the same sense, there is nothing I can do about that. I’m fair as fuck and logical enough to know better. One thing I have always loved about myself is that possessiveness. It’s a great combination for that loyalty. I’m that way with my friends as well. I love my actions and my thoughts despite the fact that I’m well aware they can be perceived as threatful from time to time.

So take it as you read it. I don’t want to be acknowledged for it.

Peace,
Amanda

Bloody Hell

sunkenbalcony — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 08:35:11 +0000

Its a tragedy when I get enraged. It takes an hour+ to get back to feeling normal. My head feels split open like an egg, and im going to sleep this way.

I’ve never felt so raged in my life, because this was the outcome of buildup. This is WHY I hate expecting anything. Not a thing. No more shit. Its changed me for good. And then people want to wonder why bitches come out of relationships cold and closed off.

You’re damn right I can’t talk to you when I want to punch you in the face.

Garfunckle

sunkenbalcony — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 16:23:03 +0000

For once, I wish I could rely on somebody other than my boyfriend. Somebody who could pick me up from work, let me break down in their car, and just take me to a beach or a junkyard or a rooftop to release all the pent up frustration.

Being passive makes me ill. I need another being who understands needing releasal. Unfortunately all of my friends have their own troubles, and the family is shady.

I almost told my aunt the other day I was depressed because I guess I was desperate. Maybe she could help or would get it, but remembered the risks of having the entire family know.

Missed the last bus

sunkenbalcony — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 12:12:02 +0000

I’m so amazed..one of my old friends is in Australia as I write this. The only difference for me is that I’m happy for her.

Alot of things need to change. Its going to take something big for things to change. I need to get it together, never been this sloppy.

Tieing the Strings

sunkenbalcony — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 21:35:30 +0000

So this is what I’ve decided after writing the previous poem and doing research. Im still waking up anxious and nerve wrecked. A floating state of panic occurs, which does not start the day off correctly.

Its a number of things, in which the only way I can learn to tackle some of them is by waking up calmly and effectively in the morning.

Im going to resort to a couple of natural tactics before I think about requesting an anxiety drug. I will talk to my doctor about it none the less. On that note, I know I’ve been putting my boyfriend through grief. This is all my battle and he shouldn’t have to suffer for any of the outcomes. There is quite alot i have to deal with. I’ve felt out of touch with life for a long time. He should not have to be burdened with this, and I feel like its been an injustice and a form of imprisonment to him- disregarding the fact that he cares about me and is there to support me yadda yadda yadda.

If im not able to improve this, im going to end the relationship. The anxiety is killing me, and now I’ve got the relationship to think about. Sure he brings me relief and humor and overall goodness, but the relationship also entails stress for the both of us. After we had a talk yesterday I lost my taste buds. I wasnt hungry the rest of the night.. what a shock lol. Some of what he said did hurt me, but Im glad he told me. I can use it as fuel. In the same sense, if he’s not happy- why is he allowing himself to hold on? Its not fair to either of us at this point, so if we can’t fix some things I’m walking away knowing it will be for the better of the both of us.

I don’t want to have to change myself completely for him, but if I want to remain with him it feels like that’s exactly what im going to have to do. Idk if I could do that, but I at least want to try for the time being, which is something.

There’s always that question in the back of my mind though. What if we’re not meant for each other? What if I meet somebody I start liking while in a relationship with him? I don’t want his view of girls to change after me. I hope he doesn’t turn into a bad guy because of me..I hope he treats girls the way he’s treated me.
If I walk away, I want to walk away knowing I did my best.

So now..I just have to figure out a deadline.

Two

sunkenbalcony — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 20:28:07 +0000

A pit the size of a peach ebbs at the center of my stomach
Waking up always entails pain
Misery leans on the spine of my bedroom door watching
And smiles to himself
I imagine bestowing a flamethrower upon the essence
But I can’t see
An overcast of flames engulfs my heart

Happiness watches from the window
With a frown upon her face
She bangs at the door desperately
Screaming “Let me in”
I sit there and watch helplessly
Termination

Written

sunkenbalcony — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 01:25:18 +0000

Distress
You turn your heart away from the affliction
So as to not announce the arrival of acceptance
Malicious truths that reiterate like the drummer’s hand
BANG
On a steel pan drum

Except there is nothing soothing about this melody.
You digress
Searching far and wide for the walk
that will lead to emerald pastures of serenity
and stony eyed limbo

Love is delusive
This love leads to an abandoned train track
Tokened with the enchantment of lovers who once were.

I want to Pinch

sunkenbalcony — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 22:46:53 +0000

This might as well be a relationship blog. Anytime I have an issue I come here to post, and I’m sick of it.

I want my happy non-relevant to relationship posts back. To sit here (yes im still doing other things!) and realize I’m still in a relationship burns me a bit. It’s all a waiting game and I don’t even want to think about it. I wonder if Im only digging myself a deeper grave by being in it right now..*dry lol*

Don’t know where to begin to fix things..problems are probably blown up right now.

I just want to replenish my love or have it won back or built up or throw it out there for people to catch and feed on or something. Im not going to be the one that keeps falling hard on “feeling”. That’s what happens when you love someone and maybe its the fact that I believe I love him more than he loves me.

:X? Its a feeling.

I’m sooo tough though. I don’t understand when the sensitivity and sense of confusion started kicking in. Bring on the strength!

Ahjuys,xoldidndcfiywt…
I’m moving away from this blog.

New Girlfriend Boyfriend Storyy

sunkenbalcony — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 21:34:07 +0000

So let me entertain with another little bloggity blogg.

I was thinking about what my boyfriend said in regard to us ending our relationship and meeting other people. He said he would hate my “new” boyfriend which I find kind of ironic because please, he couldn’t hate anybody unless they did something really upsetting to him (or somebody he cared about).

Sooo, I think that is a tad bit too strong of a word (unless he really does support that statement and comes to defend it again after reading this ). It would be much easier for me to hate a new girlfriend. After thinking about it though, in order for me to be cool with the guy, I would have to be cool with his girl. SO. I think I would really push myself to be good about it.

She has to be cool with me being the Ex, but anyhow if he did find a girl who was great and one of her peeves was having the ex girlfriend friend around or being really insecure about it- I would still try to respect her and warm up to her in a way where her fears melt away. Truth is though, I really hate bitches that are clingy, possessive AND try to show their power over the guy in the company of another girl. That would be a problem.

I really hope the bitch would click with me though.

At the end of the day, I have to respect whoever Travis chooses to form relations with. It feels petty and catty for me to dislike someone just because I had a connection with the somebody they’re now dating. Jealously never feels good. And i cant believe Im saying that..I guess people really do grow. So that’s all, that’s life. Lol

And let me just say this. I am one sided in this sense but its just my opinion. There’s a possibility I would kiss a girl at some point in my life and just see it as me pushing the curiosity + experimentation button. I DO still have mixed feelings about doing that but it stems from morals. I don’t feel like its a horrible thing to do. HOWEVER, if a guy were to kiss another guy…you know what..if Travis wanted to kiss a guy I’d be ok with it. I’d feel a bit heated BUT accepting had he been curious. I have to be supportive of that aside from everything else (im probably giving him to much lei way now lol). At the same time, I don’t support it. I feel like if a guy is bisexual he’s a little bit too in touch with his feminine side for me. In some way I don’t think I’d be able to fully satisfy him and that’s why I’d have an issue with it. It doesn’t fly with me. If a girl is bisexual I feel like its a bit easier to still want to keep her granted she wasn’t free to sleep with whoever she wanted because bisexualness doesn’t give you a free pass to do whatever the hell you feel like doing WHEN you want to.

Haha. So that’s my two cents. I love the idea of being free and I’m very accepting. I will always apply judgement to the scenario because I’m never a black and white story.